Dislikes

22 July, 4pm - It's been a while, waiting-time since I arrived 9:30am, yeah I’ve been late since yesterday – I don’t have the urge to work these days, well there’s not much to work. We booked a trip to Abra last week and we’re about to depart by 10pm tonight, hoping we’ll arrive 7am. I’m excited to be honest, I’m sure I’ll be amazed again with the scenery, I love travelling with adventure – I’m not into travel-and-relax places (e.g. Boracay). I love going to places where less people have visited, it makes the story rare.

Remember the lady that I gave chocolates & flowers? 4 days ago, I woke up around 4am and checked my phone and saw a notification with “<her 1^st name>..” and so I checked my facebook and there’s no notification. So I checked her profile and it was gone – meaning I’m blocked. Then the following day same name appeared on facebook w/o pictures or anything – a new account, and I’m still blocked on her original account. So she accidentally added me or liked a picture on my facebook either way, I bet she felt stupid. Anyway, I’m losing interest.

I have a reservation with Subaru – a WRX, since January, and it hasn’t arrived yet, hoping it will arrive this mid-August or early December, this is the disadvantage of left-hand drive – you compete with the US where demands are higher. I like the WRX – decent power, AWD, 4-door, decent space, doesn’t look much of a bonker’s car and it is an icon. I love driving to be honest, I don’t like automatic trannys. I believe what Richard Hammond had said while he was driving an automatic transmission Renault hot-hatch, goes something like this “..It is a self-expression that I’m being denied of”. What I don’t like about automatics is that it doesn’t feel you’re in control, it doesn’t matter if you have tons of power, control is power. And it just feels like you’re just steering – not driving, or maybe I’m just old school driver. Some complains their leg hurts with manual tranny, well if you have a left-leg of a ten, then I will understand.

I don’t like the perception of Filipinos on “Kapag ayaw madaming dahilan, pag gusto madaming paraan”. The whole thing is bullshit, it lacks respect to people of what they choose. We say no to the things we don’t like and yes to what we like or interesting to us, and that’s it. Arrogant people are very sensitive and they like that Filipino-saying.

July 13, 7:30am – I was on SL yesterday, forgot my jacket and the area where I sit is like a fridge. I have a memory of a goldfish, so yes – I forgot my jacket again, good reason to buy a new one. I honestly don’t know what to write, so this is what writers feel. The feeling that you have to do something but your mood does not participate, can we just say no on things that we’re not timely committed?

When I was still with Accenture, a client visited us, gave some speech and entertain some questions. I completely forgot everything that he said – except for one. He was asked, if there’s anything that he could advice to Accenture, his answer was “Should know when to say ‘no’”. We are always bogged down by where we received our needs, great example is our job. Your boss tells you when to deliver some task and you will just say yes, it is unusual that an employee would say no to his boss. I had a boss 5 years ago, one time there was an issue and she went to my teammate to ask if he can deliver within 3 days, and my teammate said “I think we can’t”, so the boss frown and asked again. “Why, what is the issue?” So my teammate explained everything in a detailed manner, then the boss asked again, “so since we know every issue, I will return to you the question, can we do it in 2-3 days?” and my teammate just said, “Yes”. The boss may have had her ears closed or she just didn’t care, but perhaps we can go to my teammate’s decision where he said “Yes” instead of “No”. For me the ability to say “No” and accept “No” in general is where your maturity comes in. We’re not child anymore, temper tantrum is for kids, we should accept the fact that not all the time everything will be the way we want it to.

Wants

July 11, 8:30am – Usual Monday, weather is a bit friendly this time, not much rain unlike last night. As usual, not much to do so I am writing again. Talk about usual stuff, Filipinos love usual things, new hairstyle got introduced and everyone will have it even if it doesn’t suit them. 3 years ago, a former colleague was scheduled for an interview, and he presented himself with Mohawk hairstyle. Sometimes we don’t really need to blend in, we may want to, but just make sure you’ll act accordingly.

When I was about 19 or 20, my girlfriend then asked me, “How will you choose your partner?” It is their project/research for humanities or social studies about family. So I was stunned and think carefully, because I might say something offensive that may cause a fight. My answer: Someone who wants me but doesn’t need me. So what is the difference, when I bought a new iPhone we can raise the question, “Do you really need that kind of phone?” answer is no, “But do I want it?” obviously yes. iPhone is not something you need, but it is such a lovely thing. Needs are something that you use as a necessity, wants are something a bit more special. So if your partner told you that he/she needs you, then he/she sees you as an appliance something that can be of use, someone that doesn’t have much difference to a fuck-buddy.

Follow your instinct, if you want something or someone then initiate, if it didn’t work then move on – start again. Learn from your experience, it is the best education - no one can teach you everything, you have to act to educate yourself. There’s no easy way, easy doesn’t enter in a grown up life.

Demands

July 10, 9am – Last night my mom asked me to setup her phone, she has a new iPhone! Apparently she likes it coming from Android phones. And the funny thing is, she sent message to my siblings to facetime, not sure what are her experiences on Skype but maybe she wants something new. We all want something new at some time in our life, for example – a new car. We have a neighbor who have 4 or 5 cars, and the last car was purchased just 3 months ago. I’m pretty sure the older cars works well, 3 Hondas and a Toyota. We get bored of what we have as it age, time never dictates the age – it is the perception of a person towards it, be it a person or a thing. We enjoy new ones which gets old when it becomes uninteresting. My father loves The Beatles – is it old? No, it is classic. I think the connection we had towards the things or the people depends on experiences that we had with them. Old if it’s shitty for your current needs, classic when it makes you feel great again.

Motivation

July 09, 4am – the rain pouring so hard that it keeps me on my bed, sent a message to the team to confirm if training will push through. Well, it is.

10am – I just got home from the training, and there are two things that I always do after the training – eat like a pig and go to sleep.

11:30am – still a bedweather, not sure when the storm will leave PAR, but I love training under the rain – heat robs strength. Our coach called us at the back to the position at the front of the boat – unusual thing for someone who’s not that experienced and easily get tired. They did appreciate our performance as phasers but we all know it won’t last that long.

4pm – I don’t really have anything to do, especially when it is raining, but hot beverage is the thing – especially for a Tom Horton! No training for tomorrow, so what the hell. I try to be busy as much as possible, most of the time I think about bullshit stuff when on idle. Currently listening to 311 live album, my elder brother had this CD way back in highschool and I bring it to school, and before dismissal my friends and I listen to it on a simple CD player with small speakers that sound like an empty can that fell to the ground. It was dope, when you and your friends head banging at same time dance to the beat like stupid fucks. Down, Applied Science, Nix Hex, Hydroponic, Omaha Style, etc.. I think of them as hiphop-metal or rap-reggae – the olden days, damn I’m old!

When I was 27, I got conscious of my age – maybe it is a natural thing, you think about what you have accomplished, the things that you own, how far have you gone through your life, if you have achieved those dreams when you were younger. And you start to regret the things you’ve thought you should’ve done or started way back. Well, I won’t exempt myself here, yes – I do regret. But every time I think of it, there’s no assurance that we would be better today if we have achieved those “dreams” when you were younger. Past is surely different to the present – what’s done is done. You got to live your present so it won’t get overlooked, because looking too much to your future will just bypassed your present where you should have always live. When I landed a job, I worked so hard that I stayed in the office for 32 hours – did I have a choice? YES. But I chose to stay because I always believe that someday somehow, this hard work will “flourish” into something. Well, I get paid enough now a days and I learned a lot from that company before I left them, but to think of it – I locked myself thriving, didn’t do anything that I should’ve done at that age, local travel, physical activities, meet new people – things that won’t cost you an arm. Did I regret? Yes I did, but not anymore, because now I’ve learn to manage my time – there will always be a time for the things that you want to do, for now - live, plan or prepare for the future but not to the point that it will blind you of your present.

8:20pm – I’m thinking of getting back to photography, I like it to be honest – but sometimes when the things that you like has become a cliché or a fad, it feels uninteresting anymore, not really sure why but maybe it is my anti-social thing that’s kicking in. I enjoy rowing, because there’s not much people doing it, writing now because not everyone wants a journal, I prefer iPhone because everyone has an Android on their hand, I chose Beyerdynamics because it is not mostly seen worn, I prefer Subaru because Toyotas, Hondas, Fords are everywhere. There’s nothing wrong to try to be a bit different among others. Sometimes you’ve got to have that thing that separates you among peers, if they don’t like it then the hell with them, but if you get a bit more interesting to them then keep those people – they are the dynamic ones, they like change, they respect differences.

I go to church every Wednesday, I don’t like Sundays because there’s so much distraction – some people are serious about the mass, some are just waiting for the mass to end and go to the mall. They made it more convenient to put church on malls, is it bad? I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right. Not when I heard it from a priest said there’s nothing wrong going to churches at malls, but hearing it from him I bet he thinks the other way. What’s wrong is wrong even if everybody’s into it, what’s right is right even if everybody’s against it. How do we know if we’re doing the right thing? Conscience & Intuition.

Sterzen

July 08 – sky’s dark, rough rain pouring through tight waterways of Manila, everyone just want to get in the office – typical rush hour in Makati. Drove my parent’s car – yeah don’t have one, nobody wants to get wet in the morning. Got in 7am, my usual arrival time, convenient when you bring car – parking slots these days are rare and expensive. I rarely drive, well during weekdays – find it more appropriate to use public transport to commute due to heavy traffic, petrol price, parking fee/slot and the stress on other car drivers, typical everyday commute in Manila.

I’ve been idle in our office for the past 2 weeks, I arrive before 7am, get out exactly 4pm and arrive home before 6pm – you can’t imagine the traffic. At this age of 31, I still live with our family house, either I haven’t matured yet or I’ve been too comfortable living in that house, either way I’m a failure-to-launch.

This is my first time to write, obviously. Not really sure what I’m thinking, I love films and have always wanted to write a story, but here I am writing some thoughts of mine. Writing this on our office – unprofessional huh, well I have nothing to do today as I’m too efficient on my job - talk about bragging. I am lazy to be honest, maybe lazy people tend to do their job efficiently because they don’t want to get stuck at that moment tinkering of something that will benefit the bosses – or maybe I’m just a selfish asshole.

I’m an IT Programmer – the boss ask me to do this software with a particular functionality and that’s about it. I’m getting bored on what I do to be frank, spent 7 years doing this, and can’t imagine what others feel - having 10+ years working as a programmer, or maybe I’m not getting challenges on my job these days. I’m a late bloomer or maybe I’m really lazy, spent first three years of my college on Chemical Engineering because I thought I’m one of those gifted, to make it short I’m a drop-out for some reason. Didn’t spend most of my time in school on those days – don’t ask me where, I was young and in-love. So I shifted to Computer engineering to another school because I was more interested in computers on those days – maybe because I mastered configuring “bots”. Those were the days when chatting on AOL/mIRC/YM was fun – no not Camfrog, okay yeah it was fun too. LAN games were on their heights, online games were not that popular but it followed, and everything gets expensive, what happens when you want to have fun but it is too expensive? People/gamers tend to do shitty stuff. The disappointment of my parents were biblical, I can’t even look at them eye-to-eye until I got my first job. I still have dreams of being in school and need to rush things – not sure why, my recent girlfriend told me to move on, maybe I am disappointed to myself thinking of what I did in college, why? Because I got through easily – is it something to be ashamed of? No, but it is something that I’m not proud of.

10am – everyone is here, late. Rain just stopped, everything seems calm – not the dark clouds though, it moves like choosing a place to drop its rain while having a face with a “grin” expression. I bet those people living in lower land have been praying for the rain to stop. People have been bitter with the nature, yet you can’t blame it, natural disaster is a shitty thing, but it brings out the goodness from other people helping the victims and some sees opportunities! Worse part of natural disaster aftermath is how the victims will move on, they may be alive but some member of their family is not, they may be coping up and receiving help but we all know it isn’t enough, and the worst thing? you wanted to help but you just can’t or don’t know how – you just send some money and hope it helps.

Hot chocolate anyone? Best things on earth are free – I like this foreign companies providing free snacks/drinks to their employees, it is something that you can really thank them for. Little things really help I guess, or maybe it is just a matter of appreciation. Is it easier to give than to appreciate? Well I think so, maybe I just can’t thank a person enough or I’m just having a hard time expressing how grateful I am. Some people really treasure gratitude, it is something you’ll recall every time you think of the person. In a good way? Yeah maybe, but when your relationship with that person gets ugly it will get overshadowed by hate, and when everything seems okay – gratitude and hate seems to fight its way towards the relationship.

Whatever you had with that person – when the time comes you finally decided to break ties, you will break it, no matter how much you treasure things, once you’ve decided there’ll be no coming back. It is funny when you try to revisit – it is either you’re happy to see or talk to them again or hate it that you just wasted your time. Maybe it comes when you’re growing up – you tend to want things differently, and staying with those people will not help you mature. Is it a bad thing? Not sure to be honest, but change is inevitable. I remember my professor of physics said: The only thing that doesn’t change is the word ‘change’ itself – everything, everyone change. He forgot one – memories. They don’t change, but our perception on them does, we may not feel any guilt at that time but time will come that you will or the other way around. Appreciate the person you’re currently with before they leave you or you leave them, because one day – memories with those people will make you smile out of nowhere.

Okay, it is raining hard again, it stops and pour. When do we learn to stop and when to move again? Well, for the rain we want it to slow down or stop for a moment – otherwise waterways/roads would be just like the Pasig river, nobody wants another Ondoy. For me, hitting the wall is where you stop – doesn’t matter what your friends or closest friend advices you, you don’t really care – you just want to be heard. One of my colleagues in the office invited me to join their dragon-boat team. When you’re too fucking tired of rowing you should always remember: You stop not because you are tired, but because you hit the finish line. Sometimes we have to decide on things and do things so we would know that we should stop or carry on. For example, I had this ultimate crush since 2011, haven’t met her, I just saw her on facebook where we have common “friend”. So I decided to say hi on messenger, no – it’s actually “hey <name>”, and that my friend was the first time I was seen-zone. So as an ordinary guy who has tons of ego, I decided to greet her again the next morning, and that my friend is the second time I was seen-zone. Moral lesson? Just do the things that you think you will be happy regardless of its outcome. How is it related to that story? Well, I hit the wall – I was freed to be honest, that is the feeling. Because in this life, you need a concrete wall to wake you up. We make/choose decision because we want to know what will be its outcome, curiosity drives us. If you don’t decide, it will become a depression or regret, therefore you won’t have life, because life is a decision-making. 

I just had my mid-year evaluation, and it was good. When I got in to this company, they deployed me to the client’s office. The feeling is really awkward, first time to be with the client, I usually communicate to them via phone or email, but this time I sit with them and I felt like alienated. There’s a gap and I hated it. There will be always a time where we hate things simply because we don’t understand them. Does it apply to the person you hate? I guess so, we never lived their lives, so how can we understand them? It is a cliché, but we really hate what we don’t understand. Time goes by and I was able to cope-up, still there’s a gap but I met new people and I’m glad I met them. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be alienated, we need to talk to people. There was a time when I feel so shit that I have to deactivate my facebook account and not to talk to my usual peers. Did that help? YES. Sometimes we have to shut-down our monitors and disconnect with your usual friends and meet new people, and that is when you will have the process of elimination – where you will know who you really are and what you are not. When I got back on facebook, I realized that I don’t like what they post so I decided to unfollow those people who post/share shitty things. Then one time I decided to browse facebook, few slides going through news feed, and I saw a post from 3days ago easily – yes, I unfollowed too much from my friends list. The thing is, sometimes you think those people that surrounds you will make you a better person but in reality they just make you feel shit, and those people you ignore are the most helpful but you didn’t choose the latter because you think they are boring as hell.

Tomorrow is Saturday, pretty excited for our dragonboat training, it is fun specially the team. The team is not really that achiever or maybe I’m just comparing them to the top 5 national teams that has a lot of members that they need 5 boats for a single day training. Our team? It’d be lucky if we have a full boat on a weekend training. Before we all get in to our boat, we have this physical training – 4 types of push ups, numerous types of sit-ups and some workouts that I didn’t know exist, but they all have one in common they are pain in the ass. When I started attending the training, I can only do 10 normal push-ups but I manage to cope up with the team, because I have to. I started rowing January this year, but I never attended a competition until last week. I was surprised that I am part of a line-up and it wasn’t easy. 300m on training day is easy but on a competition it is a different story. A week before the competition we had a mock race with another team where our captain came from, and we beat the shit out of them, okay that is too much bragging, they don’t have much practice like we do. But that mock race gave me at least a hint of how a dragonboat competition is, 300m feels like 600m – the pressure is magnanimous. The effort to push myself to move is too much that I felt like I don’t have control of my body. I sit at the back, because that is where noobs and weaklings seat and where the effort to row is less, but it felt like I was the only one rowing – the boat feels heavy, where in fact the team is all-out rowing. That is what I like the most with dragonboat – it really is a team-effort, if one got slow the effect is immediately felt by the team. Unlike basketball, you just have to give the ball to the main player and that’s it, no one will tell you to throw that ball to the ring – they’ll even get mad if you didn’t gave it to the main player. But don’t get me wrong, I still like basketball. So here comes the competition I’m all pumped-up and excited and at the same time nervous. Team was called to hop-on to our boat, and so as the other teams. I did try not to look at other teams as I don’t want to feel anxious, but I did, maybe it is a natural thing for first timers like me. So we are set on the starting-line and I keep on telling myself “focus, focus, focus.. mf focus!” then the official had his mic and signaled – ready! I was unconscious I think, but that was the snappiest A-form that I did, then there was the signal – go! Everything that I got, everything that I learned that I have to do and what not to do were keep on flashing on my head, my heart was pumping like it never had that amount blood flushing through, it felt like my heart has a size of a watermelon, I can feel every beat it does, like it sees my ribs as a cage and wanted to go out badly that it crashes my front ribs. I felt the pressure – I never had that pressure in my life, it made my body go numb, but I fought through. How? I shout, I shout the hell out of my head and it was effective, every time I felt like I’m about to give up, every time a pressure started to build on me, every time I started to feel weak, every time I felt nervous and every time bullshit clouds my mind – I did shout to bring out the best that I can do. The thing is, even if you know what you have to do, when the storm comes, you got to do what you got to do, something that wasn’t thought but you know will have a great effect. We passed 200m, and it felt like 600m, I was praying: God, please, let it end! Not sure if it is giving up, maybe I was asking for more strength, and then I just said to myself: Don’t be a pussy! And seconds later we passed through the 300m finish-line mark so as the other 4 teams. We won. I trained every weekends, sometimes I don’t for some reason, for the past 7 months, I didn’t join any competition because I’m not sure if I can be of any help. And when the time came that I know I am ready to face the pressure – I joined the competition for a challenge. We didn’t make it to the finals, there was a mistake when our captain let me race for other team (the one that we trashed during our mock race) twice. On our last race, after 150m, I lost grip of my oar, felt like a muscle got twisted on my forearm and my hand could no longer hold anything. I still did row, but it was pathetic there’s no strength or pull coming from me even if I can – my fist can no longer hold my oar. Am I sad of what happened? Yes, I was depressed when I got home, no excuse to what happened, I was a drag. I let the team down – we were 5th a.k.a last place from that race. But the best thing was, the team cheered me up, I think they saw my sadness even though I still maintained my composure, but really, I wanted to go straight home after that race. That race was on me. Days have passed, and I still think of what happened, I’m thinking of going to gym to gain more strength, get more serious on trainings, and increase my stamina. Was it for me? No, it is for the team. We may be down in our life, sad of what happened in our past or feels like a failure due to expectations, those unfortunates are the keys that will let you know what being successful is out of failures, lets you know how it feels being on top out of the times that you were down, and happiness that separates you from sadness. To me, the important things are those times you’ve felt great, and used those negative experiences to start again and grow. Life will fuck as all, and that is a given, you just have to know how to start again and again and again until you figured out the things that fits you and that things drags you down.

7:30pm – I just had my dinner, never thought I could go this far. There’s a lady in our office that I don’t understand her looks on me, it started few weeks ago. Was it flirting? Well I guess. And it went on, mind you – I’m not good looking, so I used the internet to check on her, yeah it was stalking – well, what can I do when curiosity strikes? I don’t really like having a special relationship with someone within the office, think it’s awkward but I have no problem dealing with couples within the office, I guess to each is his own. So I continued to look on her, check her public posts on facebook, judging the posts she seems to be a religious person – a born-again Christian. I’m not really into those kind of religious things, I’m okay being a Catholic. Then I saw her education, Marikina Science high school graduate and a UP alumni. Seems smart person, but I’m not sapiosexual as what most people think they are. She finished her college around 2010, so that makes her 27 or 28 – young for me. There was one awkward moment when I typed in on OC search bar her name and said: yo <teammate name>. It was supposed to be for a teammate onshore, blood rush through my face, she said Hi and I just said: Sorry.. wrong recipient. And the most stupid thing that I did is sending her a message on facebook – apologizing how rude I am re: OC, as if I was really rude. Given that I’m already busted, I gave it a try – first, I sent her chocolates, went to the office earlier than usual and put it on her table. And I could hear them talk about it, she seats three rows away from me, and I have my earphones plugged-in but no music was playing. I was waiting for the right time to approach her – but it didn’t came, then out of nowhere I decided to send her some flowers. The effect? Feels like there’s a pressure on her that she realized having a suitor within the working environment is really awkward – just like what I thought. But those were just speculations, but I just know it is what she felt. I did try to  message her on OC, but she never replied, maybe she wanted me to man-up and approach her, well that was my plan but not on her seat. Or maybe she’s just annoyed at me, as of writing I believe she just blocked me on OC. Moving on.

9pm – still thinking if I should open up more, well I have to sleep for tomorrow's training.